It’s Comin’ Up Fast
In a short three days from today, I will be standing up, walking in a line from the back row I have been given, stand anxiously offstage, and be picking up the empty diploma case which my principal will hand me (we pick up our diplomas at school over the summer).
There was honestly a time in my life where I couldn’t see myself saying that sentence. It was a weird time when I thought either I wouldn’t graduate, or I wouldn’t live to see that day (not in a suicidal or terminally ill way). I just didn’t see myself going up to that stage and moving my tassel to the right. And now, it’s almost here. That day is coming upon me, and…I’m kind of mixed about it. Part of me is completely terrified, part of me is apathetic, and part of me is incredibly excited to be starting a new section of my life. It is a smorgasbord of emotions which are familiar to me. A smorgasbord I encounter right when I’m about to walk out on stage to perform for dozens, hundreds, or thousands of people (haven’t quite gotten to the millions yet).
Am I ready for it? My final bow out as a grade school student? You bet. Just have to wait out the darned 3 days.
Moving On….
Yesterday marked the last day of high school classes I will ever have to take. I don’t feel anything yet, perhaps a normal feeling toward incoming graduates? I hope this is so.
2009 Fine Arts Student of the Year
Shock and Awe
This was the clearest I could get it to be.
Shock and awe was what I felt this past Thursday, April 2nd, 2009, at approximately 9 PM. The Fine Arts Student of the Year is a major award in Osceola County. It is the major overall $3000 award you get amongst the $2000 dollar awards for different Arts categories (dance, instrumental music, vocals, and theatre). You get the Student of the Year for being the best out of all the students who audition for all categories.
Which is why I was shocked when my name was called.
Some of these kids were so amazing (one guy, William Daniels, who played Sergei Rachmaninoff’s “Etudes-Tableaux Op. 39 #6 in A Minor” like he was channeling the spirit of Rachmaninoff right on that stage) that they should be out there doing what they do professionally. I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I get out on that stage or infront of those judges or whomever, I give it my all. I try to put everything into my performance, but in no way did I see myself in the same league as these other guys.
At the end of the night, they started to announce the scholarships. When it got to the Theatre category, I was crossing my fingers with my girlfriend. Then, I heard it, “Rosalina Smith!” My heart sank, and I couldn’t hide it. Amber just hugged me really tight, then I got over it quickly, albeit with my usual downward look. Then I just started talking with her about something else when the Fine Arts Student of the Year announcement came about. Then I heard a familiar voice: Mr. Rupe. When he said “I have the honor of announcing that one of my students has won this award, which I won just 4 years ago,” or something to that effect, my ears perked up. “I would describe this student as the Charlie Brown of the class,” a line frequently used by him in my reference letters. I jumped out of my skin for joy. I kissed Amber and hugged her tight, headbutting her in the process. I could not believe it.
The curtains opened, and I went out on that stage, shaking the hands of every person I passed, hugged my old Music teacher (Debbie Fahmie), and, of course, hugged Mr. Rupe, the one who got me on that stage in the first place. Then, I got that plaque, the one I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off of since that night, and after another minute or so of awkwardly standing on the stage waiting until the woman on the podium was finished speaking, it was over. Unfortunately, I had to leave fairly quick after the show, so my evening ended fairly swift after that moment.
I am so happy to have gotten this award, and I do have to thank my parents for actually pushing me into theatre, Mr. Guiltner for seeing my potential, Mr. Rupe for bringing about my potential, and teaching me to stop “Acting” in order to be a better actor.
And I will use this same speech once I win my first Tony or Oscar…XD.
I’m Yours [Junior Year]
- The beginning of a beautiful relationship.
(Hopefully this sets me off for more frequent posts)
Another quarter over with…which means another year of high school to go over. Junior year was such a loaded year, and yet, as I’m finding with most of my memory, it just seems to be drifitng away from me, so forgive me if this post seems to be a bit sporadic.
The first thing that pops out at me about Junior year is, of course, Amber. April 19th, 2008 is the day we first became official, although we started talking for a few months before that, so she totally encompassed the latter half of 11th grade for me, which I am perfectly fine with. It’s an attraction which would baffle most, due to our intense differences (political views, general personalities, etc.) but one that has lasted us through a year of tumultuous times. Worth it? Well, you know the answer to that one.
Along with Amber, of course, State Competition ‘08 comes to mind. I didn’t get to perform at this one, which was bittersweet for me because I didn’t get to make up for last year, but also good due to the lack of stress placed upon me. This year at competition brought many memorable moments (incredible migrains, bugs in the butt, dolphins, and **** you, Luis, to name a few), but somehow I think Competition ‘09 will beat this one out of the water.
Junior year also saw the first year with Mr. Rupe. Due to my insecurities of Guiltner and Bonner being gone (as well as some negative comments about Rupe from a few now unreliable sources), it took me a little while to warm up to the new teacher. As a matter of fact, I let my…”opinions” be known to the world in a MySpace bulletin, which eventually made its way back to him, and I got a good talking to about it. Surprisingly, I felt intense remorse for the bulletin, something that I rarely felt at the time because of my big headed closed mindedness. After this incident, I quickly grew fond of Mr. Rupe, and am glad to say that he will go down in history as one of my major mentors, and probably one major reason why I’m where I’m at now both as an actor and as a person.
I had one more major moment in Junior year, but I can’t think of it right now. I’ll edit this post once I can come up with the lost memory.
3 quarters down, one to go. I just can’t believe how fast this year is going…I’m almost done. Just 5 more weeks.
Sayonara, 2008. You were definitely NOT ladylike to me. (A Year in Review)
It was at about this time that I reached my New Year's epiphany.
I guess this wouldn’t be a true blue blog without a “Year in Review” post.
I was debating with myself whether to do the Year in Review vlog, or blog post. One would definitely be funnier than the other…well, considering. I decided to stick to the blog, because if I started to make a video about the past year, I may start to get all emotional with it, and I made a vow to myself to not embarass myself with the emotional videos about high school nonsense.
I am all about order amongst personal chaos, and there would be no logical way to type this blog without separating it into categories (unless I wanted to just vomit words on a page and hope for the best), so I can’t think of any better way to start this Review with Family.
I think it was the very beginning of 2008 when I started to feel antsy about leaving the house for college. I started to grow some balls (which isn’t necessarily a good thing, IMHO) and talk back to my parents. Challenge their authority. Needless to say, I hit my teen angst phase a bit late into my teens. It’s funny, because one thing I’ve always told myself is that I wouldn’t become like my father, but looking back on this year, I’ve done a lot of stupid things that my father did in High School. I guess that’s one thing you just can’t avoid, no matter how much you want to fight it.
High School
My Failed Run for the Presidency
2008 was a crazy year for my high school career. The biggest personal event for me was my run for Senior Class President. Yeah, sure, I lost, but I got a lot more votes than I thought I would get. And it was those people who voted for me that I would want to represent as their president, not the mindless drones who voted popularity and false promises into office. Also, it was a lot of fun to go for the whole Dark Night campaign.
Friends
I am relieved to say that I have made a lot of new friends this year (which is bittersweet because this may be the last year I ever get to spend time with them), and I’ve rekindled (and renewed) some old friendships as well. Saying this, I, unfortunately, have grown apart from a few close friends. And one of my best friends I will never look at in the same way again. It just put in perspective for me who I should trust, and who I should let trust me, because I, unfortunately, will admit to being a very untrustworthy friend last year. I really am sorry to all of those whom I’ve hurt. I like to put up this front of everything being okay, but when I see those friends, I am filled with such guilt and personal anger. One resolution I made for this new year is to be more trusting AND trustworthy of my friends. If I don’t change, I’m afraid I’ll lose everyone. I’ve already lost the most important ones.
Love
This is a really tough subject for me, but I’m not going to censor myself (another resolution: be more blunt, because if I stay silent, no one will ever know how I’m truly feeling). I lost one amazing friend over this, and my relationship with another friend just won’t be the same for me ever again. My one regret is that we have never, and possibly will never have a man-to-man, one on one talk, to possibly resolve things (this is me trying to reach out to you, because I just can’t in person). I will sound incredibly insane for the next few minutes, but bear with me. This year, I thought I found the girl that I could spend the rest of my life with. It wasn’t our similarities which I liked, but how amazingly different we were. These differences brought on debates I will remember for the rest of my life. But I did something I will regret for the rest of my life: I got scared. I got scared, and I left her. I would always go back to her, but, in the end, I got this fear back. This fear that I would end up like my parents and be in such an acidic relationship where we just keep hurting one another, but we can’t live without each other. It took me four times to realize why I was running away, and what I was running away from. Letting all these idiotic distractions from my past get in the way. I realized this too late. And now she’s gone for good. I can never go back.
This left me in such a funk that I didn’t care who I would hurt, who I was talking to, I just kept going for any girl who would give me a minute, so I could just feel that I’m not this completely unattractive loser with nothing to offer anyone. It was a horrible thing to do, but I just didn’t care. I was so deeply hurt by everything that had happened.
But now, right before the new year rung, I think I might be okay. Still nursing these wounds (which get salt thrown on them every now and then), but now I may have found someone I could be happy with, just so long as I don’t screw it up. Like I always seem to do.
Now, because I wrote so much on that topic, doesn’t mean it’s at the forefront of my mind.
Personal Tragedy
Baby Weston
It’s been over three months, and I still don’t know what to say when this topic comes up. Last year saw the passing of my former drama teacher’s baby boy. Last month we all saw him for the first time in two years at a tree dedication ceremony for Weston. We brought up so many good memories, and kept the mood bright, which is what little Weston probably would have wanted. It was bittersweet, because while we were mourning this loss, the event brought some closure for me. Very symbolic to me, seeing how it took place toward the end of the year.
That was a LOT more lengthy than I thought it would be. I apologize folks.
I guess there isn’t anymore to say, other than…
Here’s to 2009. Hopefully this year will bring more laughter than tears, more joy than fears, more light than dark, and new journeys on which to embark. (I didn’t mean for that to all rhyme, but after the first couplet I decided…what the heck)
Once a geek, always a geek.
Ahh, my favorite masks in the world...
I recently ran for Senior Class President (and a few of my Drama Club [DC] friends ran for other offices). I campaigned fairly hard (made campaign videos and shared the link amongst the seniors, gave out cards, etc). I ended up not winning the election (nor did any of my friends, who campaigned harder than I did), losing to the “popular” kid. Me being obviously troubled, my dad comes to me and asks me what’s wrong. I tell him what was wrong. I got really attached to the possibility (and, at one point, it did look very possible) that I could be president, and I could actually help out my student body. Actually represent them well. Deliver on my promises (rather than make impossible promises like these popular kids made). My father says, “You know why you lost, right?”
“You are in Drama. The Drama Geeks back when I was in high school were just as popular as you are. Just as popular as commercializing moist socks.” (okay, I embellished a little bit, but that was the gist of it)
Drama Geek. A label. One that has been around for at least two generations.
The sad truth about it is that my father was right. I remember one of my friends (who was running for office) telling me that one of the students told him that because we were in Drama Club, we could just be “acting” like good candidates.
It’s ridiculous.
I have deduced, however, that if I had to make the choice of being a Drama Geek or Senior Class President, I would line up to the earliest audition. It has been like this for years….decades…..CENTURIES! And it will be like this for generations to come. I decided I might as well embrace it.
Gateway got the President it deserves, and if the school should fall due to his leadership, the DC shall still prevail and rise up from the ashes. This time next year, the barriers will be broken, and I will help a Drama Geek become President. This is another promise that I intend to keep.
“Gee, I Can’t WAIT Until I Go To Hikes School!”
So today was the first day of school…and tomorrow is going to be our first day off. Hurricane Fay is coming. They knew that. Everyone knew that. Our governor put us in a State of Emergency for crying out loud. But instead of pushing the start of school back 3-4 days, they decide to start it, then stop it for the hurricane on Tuesday. We may even get off on Wednesday. By this point in time, students forget the flow of class, where they sit, etc, etc. I know this was done to save lost time, but the first day of school (to me anyway) is meant to spring us ready for the rest of the year. This is a reason why the first day of school was changed from a Thursday (or Friday, I forget).
Anyway, that’s my gripe of the day. My first day of Senior year went very smoothly. All of my teachers seem to be great (except my Beg. Weight Training teacher, who seems to think that he speaks ever so clearly so nobody has to ever ask questions, who thinks just randomly leaving his class alone for the last 20 minutes of class is A-OK, and who seems to think 20+20+20=80). My first three classes of the day (AP Calc, AP Lit, and AP US History) will definitely be the tough classes. I’m glad I get to kind of cool my brain down for the second half of the day (Drama IV, Beg. Weight Training, and Psych).
One more thing: the uniforms. I was just so giddy on the inside, seeing everyone complain and complain and comPLAIN about them. Even people who I wouldn’t have expected to complain, complained (I’m looking at you, friendo). I won’t be a hypocrite, I’m not exactly loving this uniform thing either, but I found my way around it to make it work (I wore a nice dress shirt and jeans today, which I say is no uniform). Coming from 3 years of hard time at a Catholic school, I had to wear an actual uniform (Red Polo and Navy Blue twill shorts. No jeans, no different colors, no freedom), and seeing people complain about THIS “uniform” is actually quite entertaining (Teacher to kid: “You have to tuck in your shirt.” Kid: “WHAT THE F***, I CAN’T F***IN BELIEVE DIS S***. |tucks in shirt| This uniform S*** is BULLS***, man….”).
I can already see that this is going to be one interesting year.
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) [Freshman Year]
This is me graduating 8th grade, right before freshman year.
I was struck with an idea by an acquaintance of mine on Myspace. She is reminiscing on her previous years in high school, so I decided, once every quarter I have left in this school year, I will blog about a year in high school, ending with 12th grade on graduation day. I am going to try my hardest, because I think I blocked most of my freshman year out of my memory because it was just an all around horrible year for me.
I got my first and last detentions this year. The first one was for cussing in class, because one of my closest friends at the time (which, I look back now, was pretty sad, haha) Darko Stamenic was buggin me. Gosh, I remember exactly how that happened too. I think it’s because it was semi-traumatizing for me, because one of my favorite teachers gave it to me. As soon as I said it, he turns to me, points me right out (literally, looks straight at me and points) and says “That’s a detention.” I felt my face get hot, and if my skin was lighter, I would have probably been as red as an apple. My second and final detention, which to this day seems ridiculous to me, was officially for “horseplay” when in all reality my foot got caught in my seat at the lunch table and I fell. I was so mad but back then I didn’t quite have my voice yet so I didn’t dispute it with the deans.
I say I didn’t quite have my voice because elementary and middle school was a tough time for me. In elementary school I only had one true friend, and I barely talked much to anybody else. I was the A student which nobody talked to and everybody liked to pick on (ex: The cool kids once told me that I’d be cool if I climbed into the trash can, a moment in my life I completely blocked out until I saw them again in high school and they reminded me of it). Middle school I was trying to make a new name for myself (because I went to a private school, where nobody knew me), trying to be “cool”. In the end, I got crappy grades, but I wasn’t picked on! At the same time, I was an outcast. I didn’t achieve this “cool” or “popular” status. I had few REAL friends, it just seemed like people had to tolerate me because we were stuck together (the 8th grade class was only 20 something kids). I don’t regret going to that school, though. It gave me the morals I live by today, taught me how to cuss (which becomes important later on), and I met the one person who would be responsible for turning my whole life around.
That whole, long, paragraph about my horrible elementary and middle school life was relevant. It leads up to the one moment where I will look back at my life and say, “That changed everything for me.” When I was in 5th grade, I was baptized and confirmed at the same time. My classmates from middle school were all getting confirmed at the same. I thought it was a big deal, but looking back, it wasn’t worth the trouble that I got into. This person from my middle school was one of my “friends”. They just talked to me because they had to, but I thought they were the closest thing I had to a good friend in high school. I was terribly led on. During the third quarter, I knew that my friends were getting confirmed soon, so I would ask this “friend” when they were getting confirmed. They kept saying that they didn’t know. Weeks went by and they still had no idea. One night, I was talking to one of my real friends from middle school, and I asked her if she knew when they were getting confirmed. She said they were already. I was fuming. I IMed the “friend” online and asked if they lied to me this whole time. They said “yep”. I think I say something about us ever really being friends or whatever, and I block them. I’m just steamed with anger at this point. Where do I go to vent? MySpace. First bad idea. I figured this “friend” didn’t have MySpace so they would never see what I would type. I click the Post a Bulletin button. Second bad idea. In this bulletin, I just go off. I am cussing, saying stuff like “You were never my friend,” and blah blah blah. I end it with a nice “**** YOU, JOHN DOE, **** YOU!!!!” and I post it. I felt satisfied and all vented out.
A few days go by, and I forgot about the bulletin. One night, I’m talking to someone who showed the “friend” the bulletin. They didn’t mean any harm by it, they just didn’t know I posted it on MySpace because of the fact that they would never see it. The next day, the police come to my Geometry class. I was scared out of my wits. They take me to talk with the Assistant Principal. They start saying things, like, “Obsession” and “Threatening” and “Dangerous”. I just started crying because I was so scared. I thought they were going to arrest me. I did not write that bulletin to threaten the person at all, but apparently the story was spun so that it looked that way. The police were saying things like “Expulsion” and “Jail” if I ever talked to them again or came up to them. I just nodded my head. I couldn’t say anything. I go home that day, and my parents are just furious at me. The mother of the “friend” had made God knows how many copies of that infernal bulletin and gave one to my mom at work. There could have been better ways to settle this whole situation without bothering my mom personally at work, or going to the authorities. Mind you, this is a family we knew personally, because of Catholic school. After they yelled at me and gave me a stern talking to, my mom went out to smoke and I went out with her. And she was saying how this situation could have been handled better on my “friend’s” side. I know what I did was completely wrong, but I was just so relieved at that point to hear that my mom was on my side just a little bit.
My point is, this situation scared me stiff. So much so that I definitely learned my lesson. I’m happy it happened towards the end of the year, because it gave me time to think about everything. I believe I grew up so fast in such a short amount of time, and I have to thank that situation for doing so. If that never happened to me, I don’t think my life would have turned out as well as it has now.
That pretty much wraps it up for my freshman year. See you in a few months from now!
(Oh, one last thing I learned in freshman year, don’t ask for a fight if you can’t [or won't] give it, especially when the guy will actually hit ya! I got my first punch in the face that year, by a guy who could have apparently killed me because he was in a “gang”. That’s my Italian-ness in me, never back down from an idiot who is angry because he can’t do extra Geometry problems because I helped the sub find the books. Hope you’re havin’ a nice life, John! Can’t wait until you get to park my car for me when I go out to eat!)
